I remember being green and naïve when compiling my first gay profile some time ago in another country – after filling in age, height and eye colour information, I came across a question about length and width. It took me a while time to realise what was being asked of me. When I did get, it made me angry and rebellious as I felt that my personality would disappear and will be replaced with a certain number that would be itemised, processed and dispatched into a certain place in a gay ghetto. It felt like finding and disclosing the figure would forever reduce me to a number as if it would gets tattooed on my body – from that moment I would only be identified in a certain way.
Coming across the “Top or Bottom” dance party advertisement made me vividly recall those feelings once again. Guys seems to be expected to sort themselves out into one of two distinct categories, like tops – left, bottoms -right. Are gay men more than their sexual preferences? Would heterosexual men or women even consider segregating themselves into tops or bottoms? It does seem to fascinate straight people when they come across gay couple of seemingly egalitarian status and appearance as to who is “top” and who is “bottom” in the relationship. But does this need to concern us? Why would we let ourselves fall into a self-stereotyping? According to Wikipedia, most men who have sex with men do not fit the gay stereotypes and are neither effeminate nor openly gay. However, reinforcement of stereotypes like bottom/top along with effeminacy/hyper-masculinity encourages gay guys to either give it to their softer side or build it up to a macho image and behave accordingly to the perceived role.
In my opinion, clear top/bottom distinction serves as clear and direct self-objectification and objectification of the respective partner, when one ceases to be a person and becomes an object or instrument for someone’s sexual pleasure. In two extremes, a bottom may be objectified to just be supplying a hole while top may be objectified as a mere a tool for the occasion. However, does everything have to fit into a specific and polar category, like straight or gay, top or bottom, twink or bear, black or white? Why does one has to choose and self-stigmatise himself? On the specific issue of specific position in specifically gay anal sex, would not it be changeable? Would not there still be majority of “versatiles”? And would one refuse to make love to his lover the way he knows will make his partner happy?
It is widely believed that since Victorian times, sexual positions and roles have evolved dramatically. Or did it only happen to heterosexuals? Why would one limit oneself to a specific role? Is it really a role of choice or the role that someone made us take? Sexual objectification was first discovered in relation to women and at it most affects young girls. However recent studies have shown that gay men are more perceptive to sexual stereotyping and objectification that heterosexual women. They would be more likely to go for “adaptive” role as the way to feel safe, accepted and fitting into specific group. Their “choice” could also be affected by various stereotypes like that real men can shag anything that moves while it is true fags who just like getting it through their rear. There are also certain expectations about mannerism when one who is perceived as more feminine is believed to be bottom and vice versa. Some could be restrained from certain activity for the fear of pain, dirt, AIDS, losing one’s image, or saving oneself for a special person, or reversing pattern etc. It could also get entirely different dimension for guys who were sexually abused as children and become stuck in specific roles as grownups. Maturity may however relax concept of particular roles and induce realisation of sexuality being more about personal comfort and letting oneself get pleasure from various sexual activities while exploring one’s own and one’s sexual partner’s preferences.
Explicit top/bottom stereotyping I personally see as a gay homophobic attack, as attempt to extract only two pseudo pure colours/races from the whole rainbow of homosexual desire and identity. In either gay or straight sex, partners may have different experience, expectations and levels of comfort affecting their sexual practices. There could be various desires and preferences from both sides and getting mutual trust and deeper intimacy helps to stimulate experimentation, create synergy and bring sexual intercourse to the entirely different level of fulfilment. I prefer making love to my partner the way that makes us both happy and satisfied, rather than topping or bottoming him. I do not want to get myself reduced to a label or number or category. I would not like my partner to become an object or label either. And I would not like to reveal and advertise any particular arrangements or preferences that I or my partners may have at any particular time. And what about you? Shall we all dare to accept ourselves and one another deeper, acknowledging more than just the way we act, in or outside of our bedrooms? Shall we stop encouraging stereotyping and objectification, especially damaging to young gay men?
| Alex G
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While I agree with you that stereotypes are unhelpful, I believe we need to be communicating *more* about our sex lives with each other, in an open, honest – and yes, explicit – manner.
On current stats, gay men are forty times more likely to be HIV positive than a heterosexual person – we have a serious sexual health issue in our community that will only be shoved further underground by our embarrassment to talk about what we do in the bedroom.
Without the confidence to talk about sex in a down-to-earth, matter of fact in the company of other gay men, vulnerable gay men of any age are less likely to feel affirmed or learn the necessary skills to assert themselves in the bedroom when it comes to negotiating for safe sex.
Yes, gay men are more than just the act of anal sex, who’s top, who’s bottom; some don’t like or have anal sex at all.
I believe the name of the party is a tongue in cheek double entendre reference to the fact that there are two dance floors at the venue, one which is higher up than the other, so I don’t think the organisers intended to stereotype people into sexual categories.
I’d be interested to know whether the author’s issue is primarily with the “top or bottom” naming of the dance party, or the public allusion to what some of us like to get up to between the sheets?
Whilst I understand that some of us don’t feel comfortable talking about our sex lives or matters sexual in public, I also strongly believe that this discomfort is rooted – if you’ll pardon the pun – in our own internalised homophobia and embarrassment about our sexual selves and not wanting to appear “abnormal” in front of the straights.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Oh Alex, what a way to miss the point. The party is taking place over a split level venue – a top floor with a certain type of music and the bottom floor with another. Calling it top or bottom is just pun. It’s a way to poke fun at the sexual side of gay life, while staying relevant to the event.
Instead of applauding the fact that people are attempting to diversify the gay nightlife in Auckland away from ‘Family’ every Saturday night, you nit pick details and try to tear them down. Lighten up! I for one will be at Top or Bottom on Saturday night, and will have a lot of fun. I don’t expect to see you there, as you’ll probably be at home working yourself into a frenzy about this “homophobic attack”, which everyone else simply sees as a damn good night out.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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At the Top or Bottom party there’s no need to “limit oneself to a specific role” or “choose and self-stigmatise himself” (or, presumably, herself), because the one ticket gets you into both fabulous venues! Like good sex, you can assume one role for a while, then switch to the other whenever you desire.
Sadly, I suspect those wanting to be truly politically correct may be out of luck, as the stairwell is considered a fire escape and should be left clear.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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lol*
I think theirs a lot more important issues in life that we should be focusing on e.g failing economy’s,war crimes, famines & high oil prices, terrorist attacks & many many many other horrific things happening right now*
We all allowed our own opinions.. granted*
But man, can i say sometimes i think gay people in general are there own victims?
Hardin up, seriously w.t.f? really who cares if you are top or bottom? who really does??
Straight people find it fascinating that we labeled something so stupid and made it a big issues?
Seriously man and i wonder why, we get labelled Drama Queens ( no offence to the fab* Queens out there? )
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While I agree that steretypes can be harmful most people I’ve witnessed using the ‘top’ ‘bottom’ labels are people who like using those labels and find them are useful way to talk about their sexuality. I also have plenty of friends who proudly declare themselves to be a ‘switch’. There’s also variations of the terms such as ‘bossy bottoms’ which help to indicate that while a person may be being penetrated it doesn’t neccesarily mean that they are being submissive or accomadating.
While labels can be restrictive they can also be helful to forming an identity. If you’re not comfortable with labels then you shouldn’t use them or have to tolerate them being used in reference to you.
However I don’t think that’s the case here.
The labels that I use are a big part of who I am and I resent being told that they’re negative when i find them quite empowering.
Queer, Genderqueer, Transguy who’s into Ultra-femme women and Bears. Also a Switch.
’
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Mmm. I firmly believe that homosexuality isn’t limited to a minority of people, but is present in most of the population. In that sense, diversifying our sexual roles lies in the ability to develop sexual relationships with the non-gay community (notice I didn’t call them heterosexuals). But how do we do that? By liberating ourselves from clothes! In a nude world there’s no rich or poor, black or white, Christian or Jew, or gay or straight!
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