“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

What about when they’re happy and you know it? ‘They’, in this case, being someone you love – your partner, your lover, or perhaps your best friend or your sibling. How does it make you feel?

They’re happy and you’re – what?  Are you happy for them? Or are you jealous, wanting to take that happiness away? Envious that they have it, and wanting it as well?

Most of us know that latter feeling. We’ve fed the Green-Eyed Monster, and tangled with jealousy. You often see it in children, ripping the toy away from another because they looked so happy playing with it. You often see it in adults, pulling someone down because they’ve reached for something exciting and new.

We’ve all been jealous of them.  How many of us have been happy for them instead?

It’s worth trying it, because it really is an awesome feeling. For me, I love to know that someone I love so dearly has been made happy. Because when they’re happy it really does make me happy – and it doesn’t matter that I wasn’t the one to make them happy (because really, what do I have to do with it?). They’re happy, and I love them. So I’m happy for them.

It’s a great feeling. And it actually has a name. It’s called compersion.

The word originated in the Polyamory community, as they attempted to find a word that summed up the pleasure so many poly people found when their lovers found love with others, and how happy they were for them. But, as is with many experiences I (and others) have had being polyamorous, compersion can apply to more than just poly relationships.

The best definition I’ve found of compersion is ‘the experience of taking pleasure in the knowledge that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself.’ (definition from here). To me that’s about as succinct as you can make it – finding pleasure, even if you’re not part of the pleasure. Because someone you love is happy – and you love them.

I have struggled with jealousy in the past, as have many others. But in some ways I think I escaped jealousy lightly. I recognised early on that I can’t force people to love me – that ultimately even if everyone in the world leaves me, I will always love myself. So instead I love with a light hand, knowing that if they choose to leave me that’s their choice (and loss!). I don’t smother them with attention and attempt to hold them too close. I don’t try to be everything to them – I know I can only be me.

And so if someone else can provide pleasure, happiness, and delicious experiences for them – and, indeed, love – then I feel happiness, delight, and compersion. Someone I love is happy. So I am happy too.

It really can be just that simple.

| Curvaceous Dee
www.curvaceousdee.com